


Hopes and Revelations

by catsnore



Series: Adventures in Teenagerdom [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, Humor, M/M, Post-Sburb/Sgrub
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-02
Updated: 2012-03-03
Packaged: 2017-11-01 00:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/350136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catsnore/pseuds/catsnore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two teenagers are reunited and have lots of awkward bro times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. That Syrup Smelled Funny

\--ectoBiologist [EB] began texting turntechGodhead [TG]\--  
EB: hey dave.  
EB: dave!  
EB: daaaaaaave!  
TG: what the hell do you want egbert  
EB: i have a surprise for you!  
EB: but you have to guess what it is, because i’m not going to tell you.  
TG: john it is 6 am why are you texting me  
EB: you’re the one who’s answering.  
TG: shit youre right  
TG: talk to you later then  
EB: don’t go!!!!!!!!  
TG: wow that really convinced me  
TG: except it did the opposite how do you not remember how annoying that quirk is  
EB: fine, i won’t do it again. hehe.  
EB: but the problem is that you still haven’t guessed!

> Be the tired kid.

Your name is DAVE STRIDER and you are currently TIRED AS FUCK. You are 17 YEARS OLD and went to bed 2 HOURS AGO because you didn’t think you would be RUDELY AWAKENED by a text from your BEST FRIEND. You had more important things to do than sleep last night anyway. Things like JOB APPLICATIONS because your current job SUCKS BALLS. You enjoy things like DJ-ING and you hope to go to college to be a MUSIC PRODUCER.  
What will you do?

> Dave: Go back to sleep.

You cannot do that! You can’t keep your best bro hanging like that. That wouldn’t even be ironically cool.

> Dave: Tell John you’re going back to bed.

Ok, that’s something you probably can do.

\--Show Textlog—  
TG: listen egbert as much as id love to play a guessing game with you  
TG: it is six o clock in the fucking morning and i need my beauty sleep  
TG: otherwise i get the worst fucking purple bags under my eyes and that is unacceptable  
TG: i need at least four hours with my cucumber slices  
EB: oh yeah, because everyone can see your eyes all the time dave.  
EB: how will any of the boys like you if your eyes are all puffy?  
TG: egbert do i need to remind you of the throes of adoring fans prostrating themselves in front of me every day  
TG: seriously i can barely walk out of the place without parting the fucking red sea  
TG: im like fucking moses or something  
TG: wading through tides of strider fans thrashing in furious passion  
EB: you say that, but i think what you mean is “john, i am so lonely i can’t believe it.”   
TG: keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better  
TG: i dont need to prove anything just ask anyone on the street  
TG: its like strider appreciation day all the goddamn time  
TG: if it wasnt so damn flattering id be sick of it by now

You really don’t mind talking to him this early, but you would never admit that. Sentiment is not cool unless it’s ironic. Though you’re not into irony as much as you were when you were younger. What were you even thinking back then. You have no idea.

> Dave: Just get out of bed then.

You get out of bed and stretch. The goddamn air conditioner is broken again, so it’s hot as balls in your room already. Goddamn Texas heat: it’s probably melting super glue because that’s a thing that it does.

Even though you’re not going back to bed, you can sure as hell keep griping at Egbert for waking you up. Just for shits and giggles.

==>

\--Show Textlog--  
EB: dude, don’t ignore me.  
TG: im getting my sleep on over here man  
TG: all the sleep  
TG: all of it  
TG: you cant even handle all this sleep im getting  
EB: fine then, don’t guess your surprise!  
EB: just come down to your building door.  
TG: what

> Be the excited kid.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT. You are 17 YEARS OLD and currently standing outside of your best friend DAVE STRIDER’s door. You have just gotten off a plane so you are MODERATELY TIRED. You have a variety of BELONGINGS, including a SUITCASE, your COSBYTOP, a BLANKET, and your CELL PHONE. You are texting your best bro to GET HIS LAZY ASS OUT OF BED, because your luggage is getting KIND OF HEAVY. You could just call him, but your COMMON SENSE meter is even lower than usual at the moment.

> John: knock on Dave’s door.

That would mean putting your phone down! You couldn’t possibly do that! Your phone gives you the -5 COMMON SENSE attribute, but a +20 SOCIALIZATION buff, and the benefits are far superior to the costs!

> John: Keep texting Dave.

\--Show Textlog--  
EB: open your door.  
EB: my arms are getting tired!  
TG: egbert are you at my door or something  
EB: oh, now you guess the surprise.  
EB: hurry up!!!!!!!!  
TG: shit ill be down in a sec  
TG: fuck you you said you wouldnt type like that again  
EB: maybe if you'd hurry up, i wouldn't have been forced to resort to those measures, dave.  
EB: seriously, though, my hand really hurts.

> John: Drop your luggage.

Your arms finally give out and your luggage falls to the ground! It goes everywhere. This is terrible. Where’s your best friend when you need him? And your sylladex is in your suitcase god damn it why are you so dumb?

> John: Bang your head against the wall.

You successfully bang your head against the wall in frustration. Wait, someone is opening the door

\--Show Dialoglog--

DAVE: john what the hell  
JOHN: it’s been a long morning.   
DAVE: i stop texting for ten seconds to get the door and you manage to explode all your shit  
DAVE: i really shouldnt be surprised but i am  
JOHN: could you stop being a dick and help me?

==>

He starts to help you retrieve your luggage. You’re a little embarrassed, but grateful for his help. You notice that he remembered his shades even though he just rolled out of bed. You also notice something else.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
JOHN: dude, are you in your underwear?  
DAVE: yup is there something wrong with that  
JOHN: no, but what if someone walks by?  
DAVE: you know i dont give a flying fuck about people walking by  
DAVE: if theyre gonna look theyre gonna look  
DAVE: they already stare at me through their windows no matter what im wearing. 

> John: Look around to see if this is the case.

You are horrified to realize that there are people peeking through their window on the second floor! That is totally inappropriate because he is underage. Also those people probably don’t even know him, which is just rude.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
JOHN: that’s really creepy.  
JOHN: it doesn’t bother you at all?  
DAVE: no way it would be a sin for me to hide this hot bod  
DAVE: i have to share it with the world  
DAVE: theres a special kind of torture made for people who dont show off their bodies didnt you know that

You laugh. The first time you visited, he said there was a special torture designed for people who creep on the young and innocent. But that was about a year ago, so you can understand that he’d say something different now! It still makes you laugh, though, because you know that he’s uncomfortable and just bluffing. You’re pretty sure that you’re the only one who knows that (hehehe). You entertain the question of why he’d not bother to get dressed if he would be so uncomfortable, but only for a second or two.

You both finish gathering up your things and go inside. He carries most of the stuff, even though you’re sure you have enough mangrit to pick it back up now!

> John: Drop your shit and hug your best friend like there’s no tomorrow.

That would be silly. You don’t know where that thought came from. You have all week to do that! Plus Dave gets kind of jumpy when people hug him out of nowhere. You’ll never make that mistake again.

> John: Remember the last time you did that.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
JOHN: dave!  
DAVE: what- SHIT

The casualty count included one (1) pair of glasses, your nose, and your dignity. But you never really had much of that to start off with, so you weren’t surprised to see it go. To apologize, he took you to Waffle House and spoon-fed you syrup despite your protests that your hands were perfectly fine, really. The waitress gave you funny looks. Then you returned to his apartment and watched 16 and Pregnant. You don’t know if your dignity has ever forgiven you.

>John: Return to the present.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
JOHN: that syrup smelled funny.  
DAVE: excuse me  
JOHN: never mind.  
DAVE: do you want to do something right now because if not im going back to bed  
DAVE: the sweet sirens of sleep and my mattress are calling my name  
DAVE: singing dave please press your glorious body into us we are nothing without you  
DAVE: the blankets are aching to envelop me tightly in their dark warm embrace until our feelings come to fruition  
JOHN: really? because it seems too hot in here for that.  
DAVE: that part was mostly for images sake  
JOHN: gotcha. well, a nap sounds good to me. i’ll sleep too.  
DAVE: oh john i dont know if my maiden heart can take it  
DAVE: napping together is so scandalous  
DAVE: i might faint  
JOHN: who said napping together? i just said at the same time.  
DAVE: oh good i was afraid id have to pry you off me with a crowbar or something

> Be the kid who just started feeling really awkward.

Which one? They both feel awkward, dumbass.

> Be Dave.

You successfully be Dave. You were not expecting John to pick up on that. Ha ha. You resist the urge to rap him into distraction, because bursting into unsolicited raps is not nearly as cool at 17 as it was a couple years ago. You’re actually doubting whether rapping made you cool or just a huge tool. DJ-ing will always be cool, though. Nothing will take that away from you, damn it.

> Dave: Explain why you’re so embarrassed.

Who said you were embarrassed? You’re not embarrassed, you’re just surprised that he picked up on your implication of sleeping together. You didn’t think he’d get it. You’re also a little worried that he’ll pick up on the reason why you immediately went there too.

Of course there’s no real reason. You say random shit all the time, and this was no different. Probably

Ok that’s not true, but you’re not ready to talk about that yet. Deal with it.

> Dave: Whatever. Just stay cool.

That is something you can definitely do. When are you ever not cool? Exactly. You are the cool master. It is you.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
DAVE: have a pillow  
JOHN: thanks, dude.  
DAVE: no problem  
JOHN: why were you talking about sleep-  
DAVE: shhhhhhhh only dreams now

When he questions you again, you pretend that you’ve fallen asleep. In reality, you never actually get around to it.

> Dave: Wait for John to get up.  
That’ll take a couple of hours. You fail to resist the urge to watch him sleep. It’s ironic…? Who are you kidding that is not even ironic at all.

> Dave: Touch that boy’s hair. Do it.

No way in hell. That goes way beyond the boundaries of creepy that you’ve set for yourself.

> Do it.

You flip over to face the wall. God damn it. You are such a sentimental fucking idiot. You were totally surprised by his visit. You thought he was going on a trip with his dad. He completely fucking fooled you.

> Dave: Throw a pillow at him to express your frustration.

That would be stupid. Really, you are having stupid thoughts today. Striders don’t emote. That’s why you wear sunglasses. That and they make you look awesome.

You groan. You need to go to sleep. There is no fucking reason for you to be awake right now. It’s not like John Egbert the Clueless is within arm’s reach of you or something. Nope.

Fuck. You were not prepared for this. You do not know how you are supposed to maintain your cool. You do not even know how long the clueless wonder is planning on staying. He’s damn lucky you’re a light sleeper, or else he’d be shit out of luck waiting outside for you.

You are so fucking considerate.

> Dave: Calm the fuck down and go to sleep.

You try your best to be chill. If someone were to see you right now, they would think you were the embodiment of chill. Which is the important part. But in reality you are the opposite of chill. You wish he had slept in the bed with you, but you know that would’ve turned out really badly. Maybe you should just take a shower. That would be a good idea.

> Dave: Go take a shower.

You sit up to get out of bed but make the mistake of looking down at him while he sleeps. He’s facing your bed and his hand is stretched out on the ground and you could just…

You lie back down and lay on your stomach so you can let your arm hang off the bed. Your fingertips brush the palm of his hand gently, and then you slowly hold his hand.

This is a wonderful plan and there is no chance that it could ever backfire.

You pretend to sleep, still holding his hand. This is a whole lot better than a shower.

> Dave: Actually fall asleep.

You do that easily.


	2. Good Morning, Starshine

> Be John.

Ok, but it’ll be pretty boring because John is currently fast asleep.

> John: Wake up.

No, not yet, you're still tired. You're going to be napping for a couple of hours. Come back again later.

>John: Wake up after a fulfilling nap.

You reluctantly wake up. It takes you a while, because even though it’s hot and you’re lying on the ground, you’re actually pretty comfortable! That’s what flying at an ungodly hour in the morning, and then taking a taxi to your best friend’s house does to you. You were aware of the risks of traveling before you took them, and took them anyway. Flying always reminds you of Con Air and that is the best way to start out the morning, you’re pretty sure! If only you could have acted it out on the plane.

Actually now that you think about it, you wouldn’t want to act out Con Air.

==>

You open your eyes and yawn. When you go to stretch, you realize that there is something holding onto your hand. You squint your eyes to focus them because your eyesight is actually really really terrible. Where are your glasses?

Oh yeah, on the pillow beside you.

You use your free hand to put your glasses on. Instantly, your EYESIGHT gauge fills to the max! You can see perfectly. If only there was a better way of improving your eyesight that didn’t involve spearing your eyes out with your fingers.

> John: Find out what has your hand incapacitated.

You look over.

Oh.

That’s Dave’s hand. You can feel your face get hot. This is so embarrassing! You can’t believe that you grabbed his hand in your sleep! You’re not sure if you should let go or not because what if you pull away and he wakes up and he realizes that you were holding his hand and that would be so embarrassing aggghhh.

This is so unbelievably homosexual you do not even know what to do. You are not going to act like this around your best friend because that would not even be ok in the slightest bit. You have had girlfriends ok you are definitely not a homosexual at all.

> John: Get help.

You grab your phone with your free hand and begin to text.

\--ectoBiologist [EB] began texting tentacleTherapist [TT]\--  
EB: rose help me, i am holding dave’s hand and i don’t know what to do.  
TT: Good morning to you as well, John.  
EB: rose, seriously, i’m kind of freaking out.  
TT: I need more details on the situation if you are seeking my help. What, exactly, is going on?  
EB: well i’m visiting him obviously. we took a nap and when i woke up i was holding his hand!  
TT: Is that all? John, that is hardly anything to become upset about. Friends hold hands quite frequently.  
EB: i know, but… bluh i don’t know!  
TT: In addition, the fact that this transpired while you were both asleep makes this even more harmless than it would be in a different context.  
TT: Honestly, I’m not surprised that this happened, but i wouldn't worry about it if I were in your position. Simply let go of his hand. There shouldn’t be any negative consequences to that, if he is still asleep.  
EB: what do you mean you’re not surprised?  
EB: wait, never mind. i don’t want you to psychoanalyze me or something.  
TT: I’ll spare you a session this morning. Consider yourself lucky.  
TT: However, I advise you to relax, and to do what feels right to you. If you want to act as if this hasn’t happened, then do that. If not, well.  
EB: if not?  
TT: If that is not the case, then I advise you to face that fact. Pull up your metaphorical big boy pants.  
TT: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to bed.  
EB: ok… thanks, I guess?  
\--tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased texting ectoBiologist [EB]\--

You feel like you’ve been had. She just told you to let go, like you hadn’t already thought of that! And then she hinted that you didn’t want to which was stupid and why would she say that. And she didn’t even give you time to ask about what to say to Dave! Rude.

So what are you going to do?

> John: Put on a clever disguise.

You don’t carry any of those around with you anymore.

Or do you? hehehe

Oh god he is waking up and you haven’t done anything yet shit.

You are freaking out. His eyes are opening oh shit.

> John: Pretend you’re asleep!

You pretend to be asleep just in time. He has no idea that you’re awake.

> John: Be Dave.

You are now Dave. You’ve realized that John is still asleep and still holding your hand. That’s cool, but you think you should probably let go before he wakes up and things get awkward again. Even though you don’t want to. Oh well.

> Dave: Let go of his hand.

You are reluctant to do this. You gently squeeze his hand once before dropping it, and keep yourself from sighing out loud. Sighing out loud is for stupid lovesick girls, and you do not belong in any of those categories.

Now you really are going to take a shower before he gets up for real.

You stand up and stretch. You want to kick him awake, but you don’t. You’re an asshole, but you don’t prey on the sleeping and/or unaware. You’re not that kind of asshole. You’re the kind of asshole who doesn’t have enough balls to own up to his feelings for his best friend. There, you said it. You have all sorts of homosexual feelings for John Egbert, and you’ve had them for a long fucking time.

> Dave: Flashback to that time you realized how gay you are.

You were 15 years old, and Jade Harley was visiting for the first time. Like most teenage boys when faced with a cute girl, you rapped your way into the makeout zone. Actually you didn’t even rap that much because she kind of suggested it.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
JADE: dave, we should make out!!  
DAVE: harley what the hell  
JADE: well, ive read a lot about it and it sounds like a lot of fun so :D  
DAVE: you realize that making out isnt a thing that friends do right  
DAVE: its basically the opposite of a friendly thing  
JADE: oh i dont see why friends cant make out too!  
JADE: the idea is just silly to me!

You had never made out with someone before, and wouldn’t it be weird to fool around with one of your best friends? Especially because you didn’t like her like that? She was fixed on the idea though. What was the big deal, anyway? Couldn’t two friends touch each other’s butts in the name of fun?

It definitely wouldn’t be cool for you to whine or say no. So why the hell not.

==>

\--Show Dialoglog--  
DAVE: jade stop i cant do this  
JADE: youre right this isnt really much fun :\  
JADE: maybe you just suck at making out! lol!  
DAVE: fuck you im a make out god  
JADE: oh really? have you ever made out before, mister?  
DAVE: every damn day  
DAVE: i have to fight them off after a while cause they just cant get enough of me  
JADE: i dont believe you!!  
JADE: im pretty sure if that was true then making out with you would be way more fun!  
JADE: im not even counting this as making out, thats how bad it sucked

You couldn’t help not wanting to make out with her. She was too soft, too curved, too small, too…

Too feminine. Shit now everything made sense.

Hold on. Why was she grinning at you like that?

\--Show Dialoglog--  
JADE: whats wrong dave?  
JADE: you look like youre having a revelation!! :D  
DAVE: you planned this didn’t you  
JADE: i don’t know what youre talking about :D  
DAVE: dont give me that you totally knew that i-  
JADE: like john?  
DAVE: was gay- what  
JADE: oh dave dont look at me like that  
JADE: its sooo obvious!! you totally like him

You didn’t really argue with her, because for once you had no idea what to say.

> Dave: Enough flashbacks, we get the point. Take your shower.

You stop your flashback and realize that you’ve been standing over top of John the entire time. Staring at him. You’re probably making a stupid face because you were entirely out of it. And oh great he’s waking up. Fantastic. 

> Dave: Quick, sing him something smooth.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
DAVE: good morning starshine  
DAVE: the earth says hello  
JOHN: ugh, dave, don’t sing.  
DAVE: i dont know the rest of the words anyway  
JOHN: way to go, champ.

> Dave: Stay smooth.

Is he… blushing? Well he probably caught you creeping on him while you were zoned out. You are the zone-out master. That’s what you get for putting in applications online at all hours of the night; it turned you into a total creep. You should just break down and sell SB&HJ stuff. If Bro can make a living off of smuppets, you can do it with your hobby. It’s way more ironic.

> Dave: Stop talking about your shitty comic and get back on track.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
DAVE: whatever dude singing isn’t even my thing anyway  
DAVE: im gonna shower so try not to break anything  
JOHN: oh, jeeze, i don’t know if i can promise you that. hehehe  
DAVE: touch my shit and youll eat it egbert  
JOHN: ok, ok. so defensive!

You know that he’ll mess with your shit as soon as you leave, no matter what you say. He’s just an asshole like that. There’s a reason he’s put up with your douchebaggery for so long.

You gather up some clothes and retreat to the shower.

> Dave: Shower now. Do it.

Dave will not shower until the POV goes back to John.

> Be John so Dave will shower.

You don’t know why Dave was staring at you when you “woke up” again. What if he realized that you were actually awake when you were holding his hand? Oh, jeeze, that would be awful.

> John: Admit that you were disappointed when he let go.

Nope. You have nothing to admit to. You’re just glad he didn’t freak out when he noticed! Bluh. He’s in a bad mood or something. Maybe he is mad at you… But you didn’t do anything wrong, did you? You couldn’t help it cause you were asleep, right? You definitely didn’t hold his hand on purpose because that would make you gay, and you can’t be in love with Liv Tyler and be gay at the same time, can you? Ha, so there.

> John: Go into more detail about your sexuality.

What else is there to say? Girls are really awesome. They’re so hot. Admittedly, you haven’t had much luck with them, but… that happens! You’ve had two girlfriends. Well, one of them asked you if you could be her fake boyfriend so her family didn’t find out that she was a lesbian, but that was fine with you. You could understand why someone would need that.

Your first girlfriend was really pretty. You dated for three months while you were fourteen. It was beautiful until you accidentally touched her boob. She was heartbroken and told you that she thought you were a better person than that. She disappeared after that day and later you found out that she kissed a boy behind your back, so she was probably just looking for an excuse to break up with you when you touched her boob.

She was a little weirded out by your posters in your room, you think. Plus then you started talking about Nic Cage and Matthew McConaughey and she gave you a really weird look.

But Nic Cage and Matthew McConaughey are just so cool. Like… man, you don’t even know! Just so rugged and talented and handsome.

> John: Cut to the chase and begin snooping immediately.

You were always going to snoop. That was never going to be a thing that you wouldn’t do. How can you set up a prank for Dave while he’s in the shower if you don’t snoop?

You get up and go to his turntables. You’ve always wanted to play with these. So cool. Dave has always been really cool. Not the same kind as Nic Cage, but still really cool.

You touch a button and a heavy beat starts to play. Shit, how do you turn it off?? Wait, that button just started a bassline and a melody! Crap he’s going to be so pissed off.

This sounds really great though. You haven’t heard this mix of his yet.

> John: Imagine Dave playing on his turntables.

You’re not really sure what the correct term for playing on turntables is, but you imagine it anyway. You think he would be really focused on his music. You’re not really sure why you’re imagining him shirtless, but that’s probably accurate too. You imagine him with his headphones hanging loosely around his neck. You think he’d mix the tracks very systematically, and he’d have a cool expression on his face.

You imagine him rapping along to the tracks he lays down and wow that is really cool now that you have music to listen to. It sounds really good. You start to imagine pulling him over and kis-

Whoa you do not want to do that.

> John: Sit on the ground and blush like a middle school girl.

You’re not going to do that because that would be way too dramatic. That’s not your style. Actually you’re not really sure what your style is, but it’s not that. You are not a middle school girl. There’s no reason for you to be doing something like that. It’s not like you were just imagining kissing your best bro oh god you’re doing it again oh shit.

You are thinking about kissing him and you do not even want to stop. Fuck. Shit. You are freaking out. What are you supposed to do in a situation like this??


	3. Turning into Dracula

> John: Text Jade.

Would that really help? You don’t even know. Where is your phone?

You don’t think she’d make fun of you for talking to her, but still. You’re not sure if her taking you seriously would be any better or worse. Bluh.

Are you really thinking about kissing Dave for real? Or are you just freaking out now? Does that idea really appeal to you? You were just imagining him shirtless, too, weren’t you? Bluh. You know he’s a good-looking guy, but is he good-looking in that way?

You. Don’t. Even. Know.

First you held his hand and now you want to kiss him. You are so gay. So homosexual.

Ok you’re gonna text Jade.

\--ectoBiologist [EB] began texting gardenGnostic [GG]\--  
EB: jade i don’t know what to do!  
GG: whats going on? :(  
EB: i’m at dave’s house and i’m starting to freak out!  
GG: did he kiss you or something?  
GG: lol!  
EB: no!! that’s not funny, jade!  
GG: yeah it is  
GG: sooooo whats wrong?  
EB: ok don’t laugh at me.  
GG: you totally want to kiss dave dont you?? :O  
EB: what? ok you are just jumping to conclusions jade!  
GG: ………..  
GG: am i??  
GG: because i think im totally right!!  
EB: ugh.  
GG: thats really descriptive john  
EB: i don’t know what to do!  
EB: i’m not ready to be a homosexual.  
GG: will if it makes you feel any better everyone else has known for years!!  
EB: … that doesn’t make me feel better at all.  
EB: you actually just made it worse.  
GG: lol oops. sorry  
EB: you’re not even sorry.  
GG: well in any case i think you should…  
GG: go for it!!! :D  
EB: what? no!  
GG: oh come on he totally likes you back!  
EB: who said i liked him?  
EB: shit he’s back from his shower bye.  
GG: good luck!!! :D

> John: Stay calm.

You can’t do that, you are too nervous. He’s going to know and it’s going to be so awkward.

> Dave: get something to eat.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
DAVE: hey you hungry  
JOHN: …  
DAVE: cause i can make pancakes or something  
DAVE: eggs  
JOHN: …  
DAVE: sausage  
JOHN: have you ever wanted to kiss someone that you probably shouldn’t?  
DAVE: where the hell did that come from  
DAVE: i didnt know that talking about breakfast foods got you going  
DAVE: people have weirder kinks i guess  
DAVE: like puppets

Ok that threw you for a loop. You are not going to go into this now. This is not the reality you wanted. If anything comes out now, it’ll be awkward until he leaves and you don’t want to deal with that.

You ignore his questions and make a bullshit excuse about making food. Big surprise: you’ve lost your appetite somehow. Just keep your poker face on. Bro still has cameras set up in the kitchen. Where is he anyway.

> Dave: Decide to just order takeout.

You don’t feel like dealing with the lethal kitchen today, so you order pizza. You notice that it’s after 10 AM. That was a long nap, but that’s perfectly fucking fine with you.

Your phone is buzzing. Someone has texted you.

> Dave: Answer phone.

\--gardenGnostic [GG] started texting turntechGodhead [TG]\--  
GG: dave you have to kiss john  
GG: right  
GG: now!!!  
TG: what the hell are you doing  
GG: doooooo it  
GG: he totally wants you to! trust me!! :D  
TG: if by wants me to you mean he doesnt even like guys then ok  
GG: oh shut up dunbass  
GG: i know what im doing!!  
TG: im done right now im not doing this  
GG: stop being a big baby and take a chance  
GG: youve done way more dangerous things before lol  
TG: see ya  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased texting gardenGnostic [GG]\--

> Dave: Turn off your phone so she doesn’t bug you again.

You happily comply. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. You know he’s not gay, even though he has the least convincing way of telling people in any universe. Seriously, “i am not a homosexual” just sounds like bullshit. But you know it’s not.

What a great way to start off the visit. You are so excited to have awkward tension the entire time.

> Dave: Figure out why he mentioned kissing.

You don’t know. Sometimes you have no idea what’s going on in his head. It’s actually more like most of the time really. For an airhead, he can be really hard to read. You sit down on your couch and put your hood up to wait for the pizza to get there.

You’d wish to go back in time to when things were simple, but you didn’t think that time ever existed. In fact, things were more complicated before than they are right now. Jade is right. You’ve done way more dangerous things than kissing your best friend. Though maybe not many things that would make you so vulnerable. That’s the major problem here.

> Dave: Wait for the pizza.

Oh look he’s coming downstairs. You stay cool, mostly by staring at the wall. It’s a good thing your shades hide where you’re looking anyway. You have to clench your hands into fists to keep them from giving you away and that sucks. You’re way too cool for this. You’re way too cool to be acting like this because of John Egbert.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
JOHN: hey.  
DAVE: sup  
JOHN: i didn’t mean to make you feel weird or something.  
DAVE: you did not even do that bro  
DAVE: i am the opposite of weird i am so relaxed right now  
DAVE: if i was any more chill the fucking windows would freeze over or something  
JOHN: you know that you suck at lying right?  
DAVE: i dont feel weird at all ok  
JOHN: really? cause you’re not looking at me and your fists are clenched and stuff.  
DAVE: just stop it  
DAVE: dont try to get into my head because its not open to you

You stand up because he looks like he’s going to sit on the couch. You don’t want to sit with him because you’re pissed that he can see through you or something and you still don’t know what’s going on with him. You’re the one who’s supposed to be hard to read, not him.

Something tugs on your arm and you turn around to see. This is way too dramatic for you. You are not ok with this.

John’s holding your hand what the actual fuck.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
DAVE: egbert im two seconds away from punching you in the goddamn face  
JOHN: just calm down, ok?  
JOHN: i’m not going to get pissed at you or something!  
DAVE: why are you touching me  
JOHN: oh, you don’t want me to?  
DAVE: thats not what i said just answer my question  
JOHN: because i like touching you… oh jeeze!  
JOHN: hehehehe  
DAVE: dude was that supposed to be a joke  
JOHN: hehehehe that sounded way less dumb in my head!  
DAVE: how did that even sound less stupid in your head  
DAVE: that shouldve sent up like a huge red alert alarm in your head  
DAVE: warning saying stupid shit like this out loud will make me sound like a fucking tool  
DAVE: or whatever

He’s laughing and that eases the tension a little. You should’ve known there was no way you’d get through this conversation seriously. He was always going to laugh.

==>

\--Show Dialoglog--  
JOHN: i woke up and i was holding your hand and i kind of freaked out, but…  
DAVE: hold on you were awake that whole time  
JOHN: uh… not the whole time! but i was awake when you woke up and let go.  
DAVE: …  
JOHN: uh. yeah you look really angry at me, so i’m just going to keep going!  
JOHN: we were holding hands and it kind of freaked me out, but not in a bad way??  
JOHN: and then you were in the shower and i started thinking about you shirtless and then i wanted to kiss you and then i freaked out more!  
JOHN: but then i realized that it was ok to want to kiss you, because not being heterosexual isn’t a bad thing!  
JOHN: so… i guess i’m saying that i like you, dave.

> Dave: Believe what’s coming out of his mouth.

You can’t even believe what is coming out of John’s mouth right now. He has to be pranking you because he would never say all of this. He would also never be holding your hand or stepping towards you what is he doing he is a dorky teenage boy nothing about him is smooth what.

> John: Kiss that boy right now.

That is the reason you put on chapstick before coming downstairs, after all. But he’s a little taller than you, so you’ll have to get up on your tiptoes. That’s ok though.

You get close and kiss him right on the mouth. You haven’t really kissed anyone for a long time, so you’re a little nervous, but that’s mostly because you don’t even know if he likes you even though jade told you he did and oh hey he’s kissing you back.

Wow that feels kind of nice, even though you’re not really sure how to do this. He’s squeezing your hand and this is way different than kissing your ex-girlfriend was. Which makes a lot of sense because that was three years ago, and Dave doesn’t have any boobs to touch and consequently ruin his marriageability.

Oh whoops you did not mean to knock your teeth together. Ouch that kind of hurt. You pull back a bit and giggle. You think your face is getting a little hot.

He leans in and kisses you this time but you’re still not really in sync with each other yet, so he’s going one way and you’re going the other way. Nevertheless, this is really nice! Kissing Dave is really fun! It gives you a lot of feelings and even though you’re not very good at it yet you want to keep kissing him until you get better.

> Dave: Kiss the fuck out of that boy because you have wanted this for fucking ages.

You want to put a little more pressure into the kiss, but you don’t know if that would be a good idea or not. No harm in trying, though, right? You open your mouth to softly run your tongue along his lower lip and then he makes this little noise and fuuuucccckkk. It is even better than you imagined it would be.

You do not even know how to react to this. Yeah sure you’ve messed around with guys before, but not the guy. This is like way more important than easing sexual frustration with the quarterback after a home football game last year. Even though getting him to give you head in the locker room was really exciting. You have no idea what John wants to do or how far he wants to go and it is really fucking important that you don’t scare him off.

He pulls you a little closer and that is so ok in your book. He is right up against you and you don’t think you can get more ok with this.

You haven’t stopped kissing him, either. Breathing is for the weak. Is his hand going under your shirt? Holy shit he has full permission to touch you wherever the fuck he wants. You suck on his lower lip to urge him to keep going no matter what. Good god. His hand is touching the skin on your stomach. You totally didn’t just make a needy noise in the back of your throat. You never do things like that. Ever.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
JOHN: is this alright?  
DAVE: yeah it is  
DAVE: dont want to rush you though if its not ok with you  
JOHN: dave, this is so ok with me.  
DAVE: ouch watch the teeth  
JOHN: oh, sorry.

==>

You’re pretty sure you can do this forever. One of your hands snakes down to grab his ass, and you smirk as he jumps a little. You really couldn’t pass that up. Oh shit he’s grinding against you and ouch that was your back hitting the wall. You never thought you’d let someone push you up against the wall but you really can’t think of any reasons to have a problem with it at the moment. Except that your spine is getting ground into the wall but you barely notice that because it’s his hips doing that grinding. He giggles again.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
JOHN: wow, dave, you’re being really cute!  
>DAVE: youre really doing this right now  
DAVE: you really know how to ruin a moment by being an asshole  
DAVE: oh fuck  
JOHN: dave, is that your boner??  
DAVE: fuck you egbert   
JOHN: hehehehe- hey!  
DAVE: that was in no way on purpose  
DAVE: i would never grab your dick because youre pissing me off  
DAVE: nope that aint me  
JOHN: hey, i didn’t say to let go either!

The two of you are having all the enthusiastic, sloppy makeouts. All of them.

> Dave: Be rudely interrupted from sloppy makeouts with John due to the doorbell.

Fuck it’s the pizza guy. Talk about bad timing. You should’ve known better, but you can’t even bring yourself to care. You do not even want to move a little bit. Did John even hear the doorbell? He’s starting to kiss your neck so you’re pretty sure either he hasn’t, or he’s ignoring it.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
DAVE: dude what did i just say about the teeth  
DAVE: are you turning into dracula or something jesus christ  
JOHN: sorry, sorry!  
JOHN: i just remembered seeing something that said it felt good to do this.

Oh now he’s licking and sucking and holy shit. That does feel good. You really like that.

God damn it the doorbell is ringing again. You are in no state to answer the door with your shirt pushed up your stomach and shades askew and shit, but John steps away with a grin.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
JOHN: you should probably answer the door.  
DAVE: hell no if im answering like this you are coming with me  
JOHN: hehehe ok! this will be fun.

You are both assholes.

> Dave: Answer the door while John clings to you like a douchebag.

This shit is so ironic. You wish Bro could see you like this-oh wait no that would be too weird you have a boner. You open the door wearing your poker face and John has his arms around your waist. You could definitely get used to that. He sure got comfortable with the idea of liking you real quick. Of course that does not even bother you a little. You are going to go on so many ironically romantic dates with this boy because he is perfect.

This is not the time for sentiment. You are on a mission: to make the pizza guy feel really uncomfortable.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
PIZZA GUY: Good morning, sir- oh god.  
DAVE: sup

John is running his fingers down your stomach oh so gently and then you realize that he’s going to troll you, not the pizza guy. God damn it. You take back everything you thought about him being perfect.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
DAVE: so how much is it  
PIZZA GUY: It’s $15… Sir…  
DAVE: sweet  
DAVE: hey pumpkin do you have to play with my nips in front of this nice man  
DAVE: not that i dont appreciate it or nothing  
JOHN: it’s now or never, kitten.  
DAVE: oh baby  
PIZZA GUY: Are you guys serious, or just trying to creep me out? Uh, sir?  
JOHN: both.  
PIZZA GUY: … Fair enough, sir.  
DAVE: heres your money d-dude  
DAVE: ahem sugar pie please dont do that again  
PIZZA GUY: Have a nice day. I’m sure you won’t have any problems with that. Sir.  
DAVE: got 99 problems but a bad day aint one  
JOHN: neither is erectile dysfunction!  
DAVE: god damn it john  
JOHN: you walked right into that one, snookums.

You get your pizza and retreat back inside. Quickly.

> Dave: Make him pay.

Oh, you will. But it will be in an extremely inappropriate way, and the author has promised that there will be no porn in this story, so it will be a private matter.

Sorry. Oh, wait, you’re not.

> John: Fast forward through all the inappropriate parts.

You guys did not even do anything really bad! You kept your clothes on and everything! It was probably a good thing that Dave decided to stop because you probably would’ve gotten carried away, and it wouldn’t have been really fun to do everything at once.

The two of you are sitting on the couch and eating pizza. It’s cold by now, but that’s ok. He has his arm around you ironically, but not really. You’re not really sure if Dave really knows what irony is, but you’re not going to argue with him.

You adjusted to this really easily. Probably because you’re so comfortable around Dave at this point. It’s nice to be resting your head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. You’re perfectly content to hang out on the couch like this. He takes your hand and gently squeezes it, and kisses the side of your head.

Only one thing could make this scene better.

\--Show Dialoglog--  
JOHN: can we watch con-  
DAVE: no  
JOHN: what about ghost rider?  
JOHN: or national treasure?  
DAVE: fine  
DAVE: but you can only choose one  
JOHN: awesome! :D  
DAVE: but after that were having a rap off  
JOHN: oh, it is so on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to the most important character in the series: Pizza guy. Holla.


End file.
